Hands Full

Maybe writing something will be better than nothing.  It's been hard to get myself in front of this screen even though I think about doing it daily.  The problem is that I can't summarize grief.  If someone were to ask me, "how are you doing with that?" I have to answer, "Well, lately it's been..."  Because it's not consistent.

Some days I still find myself suddenly weeping in the kitchen or with the crushing weight on my chest while I'm trying to fall asleep.  And I think, "How does it feel so fresh? How can I be missing my baby so much when I didn't even get to know him?"  But I do know a lot of things about what he would've been like, so I grieve those things one at a time, and then sometimes over and over again.

Other days I am really OK.  A lot of days don't hurt and are overwhelmed by the joy of the season of life with Gwen.  She runs up to me and says, "Hi mom mom!"  And I think about the hope of Baby living with Jesus right this moment in perfect joy.  And how he is more alive than I am in this body stained by sin.  And those are happy moments of hope.

So, my assignment in this seems to be holding grief in one hand and hope in the other.  Both are important and must not be ignored.

I think I need to write this to remind myself that at 4+ months after our Baby lived and died, I am not 'over it' and it remains often in my heart and mind.  I still often think of the weeks of bleeding evidence that he was gone.  I still have dreams about being pregnant, and wake up sobbing to reality.

And my heart is still broken in a way that I'm learning to believe it is supposed to stay.  I can't look at suffering people with the same distance I had before this experience.  But I also look at Jesus differently.  He is really the only one who knows the depth of hurting and the height of healing to come.  I love him so much.  Somehow I sing harder now, often through tears.  And I'm thankful for this new version of heart even though it's heavy and often too much to bear alone.

I've listened to this sermon more than once and am thankful for how compassionate it its:
http://www.hopeingod.org/sermon/why-god-created-world

Also, this is the song that Gwen and I turn up loud these days:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1klpScWvkRA

Finishing September 2012 Photos

Going to Red Robin for Bert's birthday burger and Gwen had her first balloon ("boon!") experience

Wishing

For humor's sake, this is the day I organized Gwen's clothes and she kept busy scattering things around the room

This was the pizza sauce making day when she found many ways to stay busy while I worked in the kitchen

Gwen identifying the horse's eye at the orchard's animal area

Gwen trying to sit on the hay bales... and falling between

Gwen rolling her eyes at Aunt Beth... can't believe we caught this on camera!

But most of the time she's loving Aunt Beth!

One... Two... THREE!

Photo credit: Beth

And there you have it, September!

Celebrate! 5 years of Marriage + Jami's Wedding

I'm still trying to fathom that we got to take this trip, but here is the proof of the blessing it was.

Warning: this is probably going to be my longest post ever.  

There's just too many good pictures and memories that I can't leave out for memory's sake.

Friday

flew into Chicago

drove to Sawyer, MI

ate a late dinner at Fitzgeralds

Saturday

slept in to 10:30 - what?!

brief beach time

lunch with Darlings at Brewery

visited Sawyer Bash 2012, Bert bought a t-shirt

Jami and Drew's wedding

bonfire on beach under stars with friends - amazing

Sunday

beach day!

walk to Warren Dunes State Park via beach

delicious pizza at Silver Beach Pizza in St Joseph, MI

breath-taking sunset viewing at Silver Beach

Monday

drove back to Chicago

took in the Museum of Science and Industry which deserves its own post, but I'm not giving it one

quick visit to Millennium Park

flew home to Gwen!

Mexico?  No, just Bethany Beach which is in Sawyer, MI

Cribbage tournament

Lunch at Greenbush Brewery with some dear friends

Joy

Handsome

Loved this original idea!  Notice the vintage coke bottle on the table?  Bert loved that wedding feature

Abraham believed God...

This Samson-like pose was unplanned

Steps down to Bethany Beach

We were blessed to spend a few days in this community!  And now I understand my Sawyer friends so much more :)

One of those ridiculously beautiful moments in life when you think, "If God makes this just for fun, how could I ever doubt his wonderfulness?"

The following pictures are from the Museum of Science and Industry

We went there on recommendation from Jon Hansel and because Bert read Devil in the White City and this museum is built out of one of the buildings from that book.  We had high expectations and it blew the roof off of them and then some.  If you have time (6+ hours for us) and funds in Chicago, YOU MUST SEE IT. 

Little-boy-glee with German WW2 submarine, that we got to tour and experience with lighting and sound effects

Dollhouse inspired by the Hearst Castle, this is for Dad and Dee :)

My fav dollhouse room because of the staircase

People in long-distance relationships should get these!

So very inspired by this story

This is not a promotional picture, this is really what the weather/storms area looks like when you walk in!

Avalanche

Holding a "ball of energy" while learning tai chi

Hamster wheel

This was the most meaningful and memorable part for me.
Beautiful and heart-wrenching to visually learn more about the mystery of babies and pregnancy.

A simulator picture for dad :)

Bert was beat-boxing in the Whisper Room

Now for downtown Chicago...

My hero, figuring out directions and flight times in Millennium Park

Cornucopia anyone??  Watch out for Cato

THE BEAN!  Or should we call it by its proper name?  Cloud Gate

Felt like Inception when the sidewalk turns up and keeps going

See the Sawyer Bash t-shirt?  Already getting mileage

These are my kind of sculptures, but Bert didn't get them

We watched that little toddler in pink for a while and missed Gwen like crazy.
Then a few hours later, we were home!  

What an amazing blessing to celebrate 5 years of marriage and be thankful, hopeful, and excited for the years to come.