Naming Simon

Everyone has their own preferences for baby naming.  Exploring baby names is super fascinating to me, so I thought I would share how we came up with the name Simon Keith for our sweet boy.  Boy names are much more difficult than girl names, in my opinion, because it seems like there are less options. You can't get away with random flower names or just pretty sounding names And you want it to be something that is masculine enough to put on a business card someday, just in case he wants to be a business man.  

Here was our criteria (no judgement to other mindsets!):

-Easy to spell correctly upon hearing

-Obviously a boy name

-Has to exist in history, not made up

-Not in the top 100 of the social security website

-Not a long name with a short nickname, but just one name

We started assembling "the list" last summer.  We had a few favorite ideas starting out but none of them seemed to make the final cuts because they were all too popular.  I emptied the library shelf of baby naming books and took them to the lake the day after our gender-determining ultrasound.  We read three of them cover to cover, boy names only of course.  Over time we each chose our favorites and narrowed down our list through many debates.

I remember being on the dock at Dee and Barry's when I first came across Simon.  Beth was sitting with me and I asked her how many Simon's she knew in her years of preschool and kindergarten teaching.  She had only ever known one and he was a very cool and funny kid. 

I loved a few things about the name immediately.  It met all our criteria, and it is derived from the Hebrew name Simeon which means "listener" or "he listens."  We hope that he grows into his name and has a soft heart to listen to God and other people.  I loved that it was classic and fresh.  It was also ranked at 255 so it was likely that there wouldn't be 3 other Simons in his class at school.  It was a winner!  Although, it took about three months for Bert and I to officially agree on it.  We had a few other favorites, which I'm not going to disclose yet, just in case.

The middle name Keith is in honor of Bert's dad Keith, and it's also his middle name (Daniel Keith).  I love it as a name and how it sounds with Simon. It's meaning has to do with woods, forest, and battleground.  Since Bert loves working with wood and being in the forest, it seems like a good fit there too.

Yay for Simon Keith!

Simon's Birth Story

I awoke at 4:15 am on my due date (12/4/13) with serious contractions coming 7 minutes apart.  I could tell these were more authentic than the random contractions I'd been experiencing the week prior. I started to get nervous about how fast labor might happen since I'd heard from many people that it goes faster the second time.  I envisioned having a baby in my arms by lunch time. Unfortunately, after a few hours contractions had slowed to every 10 minutes instead of getting closer together.  Then a few hours after that they were every 15 minutes, though still very intense when they occurred.  My parents came over to help care for Gwen as I labored, and Bert worked from home on his computer.  I was scurrying around the house packing hospital bags, Gwen's bag, rearranging furniture in our room to accommodate our old recliner and cleaning up any clutter in my path.  After I felt organized enough, I finally laid down to try and rest. I knew that labor would take all my strength and I needed to ration it carefully.

My memories pick back up that evening when I was feeling bummed that things still weren't moving quickly, but tired since I continued to have hard contractions every 10-15 minutes.  It was snowing heavily outside.  My mother in law came and got Gwen for the night so we could focus on labor.  I texted a few friends to ask for prayer that things would continue progressing and decided to try walking on the treadmill.  That did the trick!  My contractions got so intense when I was walking that I had to step to the side and breathe to get through each one.  At this point I had to start to make low humming noises while breathing, which is a pretty clear indicator of labor progressing.  I made myself go for about 30 minutes on the treadmill and went upstairs to eat a bowl of cereal. Contractions had increased to every 3-5 minutes. On my second bite of cheerios I stood up sharply and announced to Bert that it's time to leave for the hospital, now!  The pressure was moving lower and the pain was changing and I did not want to have a baby in the car!  I checked in with the midwife on call and we were on our way.

The ride to the hospital was extremely uncomfortable, and the roads were icy as it continued to snow.  It felt like I shouldn't even be sitting down since the baby's head was so low.  Thankfully we made it to St Joes, parked in the Emergency Room lot, and got taken up to the maternity floor asap.  I was feeling pretty good in between contractions, but during them I had to focus completely to get through.  My parents and our doula, Diedra, arrived soon after us.  I had asked my mom to be in the room with me for the birth, and Dad camped out in the waiting room.  Diedra started taking pictures which was such a sweet surprise since they always enhance memories for me and I didn't know she was planning to do that.  She also took notes on what happened at different times - another great surprise.  (Especially since I'm finally writing this out two months later.)



My contractions continued to be really intense but seemed to be spacing out. During the minutes in between contractions I felt simultaneously impatient for things to progress and thankful for a rest from the pain.  We walked the halls to keep things moving. I found lots of relief in doing low squats as I had practiced in yoga.  It was fun to have Diedra and my mom there to chat and be excited with.  Bert read me scripture to give me something to think about and to help calm my fears.  We spent a lot of time in Psalm 33 and I was meditating on verse 4 which said that "all his work is done in faithfulness." I kept telling myself that God was being faithful even in this crazy and beautiful process of childbirth.  And he was.  I was fighting to believe that truth and asking for peace to receive whatever was coming for this birth experience.

After I ran out of walking strength and ability, I spent time laboring in my hospital room.  Being on my hands and knees was necessary.  Our midwife, Kathleen, challenged me to take three contractions on the toilet which helps your hips open.  It was the last thing I wanted to do.  In fact I think I told her,"no way." But when she told me that would help things move along, I decided to just do it.  I did a lot of soul searching during those minutes in the bathroom.  The door was cracked so I could hear my mom, Diedra and Bert talking, but I felt alone with my thoughts and fears.  I was really afraid of the pushing phase, blood loss, tearing, recovery, all of it.  Gwen's birth was really scary for me at the end and I was afraid of those things happening again.  I was also afraid of the pain.  Because I'd done this before I knew how and why things might hurt.  I had to prayerfully admit these fears and ask God for strength.  I kept telling myself that "it's just pain."  Pain does weird things to my brain, but in the end it just hurts.  A person can certainly survive it.  I kept thinking "if I can do this pregnancy then I can do this birth!"  The pregnancy was much longer and harder than a few more hours of contractions and pushing out a baby.

After moving back into the room, I spent a few minutes admitting my fears to Bert and Diedra and asking them to pray for me.  I remember being really disappointed that things weren't moving quickly as I was expecting them to, and asking them to also pray for patience to withstand the pain for longer than I hoped for.

I was also asking Bert to distract me by telling me specific memories from our Mexico vacation last year.  Anything to keep my brain busy other than panicking about pain.  We discussed fruity drinks by the pool, fountains, palm trees, and the sound of feet squeaking through sand.  He made me laugh when he said that I was "a Superwoman ...but not a warrior mama."  :)  They call you Warrior Mamas all the time at yoga class and it's funny to me so this made me laugh in the moment.  He also called me "president of the tough club" which is another joke because we use the "tough club" to try and get Gwen to stop crying.



At 9:45 my midwife checked me and I had progressed from a 4 to a 6 in a little less than two hours.  I was hoping for a water birth and she said it would be ok for me to get in the tub at this point if I wanted to.  I did!  I remember sitting on the exercise ball and leaning forward onto Bert's lap while waiting for the tub to fill up.  That was one of my more comfortable positions.

We walked down the hall and got in the tub.  The warm water was so helpful in staying relaxed.  I moved around a lot to get my body in the right position. After all that yoga practice, moving felt good and I had ideas about what "hip-openers" would look like to help this baby get out.  Diedra was really encouraging during each contraction saying "you got this!" and "you know just what to do" and "you're doing great" and reminding me to keep my legs wide and relax my legs etc.  She was also keeping me really well hydrated, even though I didn't want to drink anything.  She is very convincing.  I felt really nauseous and was clinging to the blue puking bag because I didn't know when things would come up.  I was sure they would, but they never actually did.  Bert was playing me music on my phone softly almost the whole time but after awhile I didn't like any of the songs playing and think I just asked him to turn it off.



I got out of the tub once to empty my bladder and my whole body started shaking, which made me think I was going through transition.  Kathleen told me I could start pushing whenever I felt the urge to and she didn't need to check me unless I wanted her to.  I decided to ask her to check me anyway because I was so nervous about pushing and it would help to have a clear green light of 10 cm before I started.  I was at 8 cm.  I was feeling tired and started to think an epidural sounded nice.  Better than nice.  Amazing.  Just a break from the pain.  Diedra assured me that meant I would be done soon, and encouraged me that I was doing great.  Somehow I dug deep and kept going.  I knew it would be more trouble than it was worth to quit and get an epidural since I was close to the finish line.

Things started getting even more intense and I was making low humming noises during each contraction, trying to keep my jaw and body loose, and breathing deeply.  Bert read me Psalm 33 again.  Lights were low.  My mom was standing nearby but I couldn't look at anyone.  I scooted around the tub as needed finding myself clinging to one side and then the other.  I started flirting with little pushes and then felt a big pop of pressure.  I said, "what the heck was that?!" and was told that it was my water breaking.  Diedra and Kathleen cheered that it the water was clear which meant good things for the baby's health.  My body started doing some serious pushing, starting from higher in my stomach than I expected, and gradually moving lower.  I was laying/floating on my back with my elbows resting on the indented shelves.  I couldn't stop thinking about how crazy it is that this is the way babies are born, as in they out of you-know-where.  Crazy.  I still think that.  But it works.  Even crazier.

This was the part that I think of when people ask, "how did everything go?"  I think about the part where I was floating on my back and feeling my hips shake with #10 pain as I pushed with all my might to get to the end of this birth.  Kathleen said to me once, "I know this is really intense, but you will need to push through the intensity before you will get to the end."  I was ready for it to end, so I started pushing like it was my job.  Crowning happened.  Then I felt his head go back in.  No!!  I remember imagining his head with dark hair while I was pushing even though before I had guessed he'd be another redhead. Tissues were surrendered to meeting my baby (sigh). Burning! His head emerged and I was surprised by how it took another 2-3 contractions for me to get his body out too.  People say the body is supposed to just slide out afterwards - not true!  I felt like he was huge!  Finally, Kathleen lifted him up and onto my chest. Simon came into the world with a huge hug.  His arms were wrapped around me and he was screaming, mouth open and eyes squinted closed as he turned red.  He had dark hair! And he was out!  This is the moment that is impossible to describe.  So much wonderfulness to hold a slippery, warm, person that I had been holding all along. I already knew him, but now he was really here!



*A note on water-birth.  Babies don't breathe until they hit the air, so they don't swallow any water in the tub.  They live in fluid until they are born, so being born into a tub is really natural feeling for them and not weird at all.  The pressure of the water is also said to help with tearing and pain management for Moms.

Because I had problems with the placenta after Gwen (and after both miscarriages) I was still worried about stage 3 of the labor.  After about ten minutes of holding Simon on my chest in the tub, many hands helped me climb out and onto the nearby hospital bed.  There was a doctor on alert in case things got tricky, and I was given a shot of pitocin in the leg to help with extra hard contractions to get that thing out! My mom stood by my head and was a great comfort to me during this part.  Bert was holding Simon skin-to-skin.  I was scared and overwhelmed by the rush of physical pain and all the emotions of birth that I started crying and shaking.  Thankfully after a couple hard pushes, and tension on the cord from Kathleen, my placenta was delivered whole and safely.  I was so relieved.  I even found the nerve to look at it, even though I'd never seen one before and thought I never would want to.  It was so fascinating!  It was bigger than I expected and I saw the huge vein pattern on it that they called "the tree of life."  God is so smart.  Then came the stitches which were tough because even though there was a numbing shot, I wasn't numb enough.  In the end I only needed 4 stitches which was a vast improvement from Gwen's birth.  The water really helped!

After stitches and a decent try at nursing, I asked the nurses to weigh Simon.  He was 9 lb, 2 oz and 21" long!  I felt so validated that he was a big baby since I had thought he was big when I was carrying him.



In the end, I am really satisfied with how Simon's birth went down.  God was very gracious to give an uncomplicated birth, and even though the pushing was really hard it only lasted about 20 minutes.  I felt so incredibly supported by Kathleen, the nurses, Diedra, my mom, and especially Bert through the whole thing.  I loved that I never felt like anyone else was taking charge, rushing, or bossing me around.  I was given the freedom and trust to birth my baby, and I was amazed to find that my body really knew exactly what to do to get him out.  Even though the pain was present, there was much less stress, fear, and surprise than I experienced in Gwen's birth.  And the pain had so much purpose in bringing me Simon.  I am really thankful that everything went well, and for the precious people who were with me.

Deidra's Notes:

BABY BOY E!
Midwife - Kathleen, Nurse #1 - Cathy, Nurse #2 - Sheila

7:15 pm - arrived at the hospital
8:00 pm - 4 cm, 80% effaced, -1 station. You were glowing. Looked so young & beautiful!
8:15 pm - walked the halls for a half hour.  You still had smile on your face, but contractions quickly became more intense.
8:40 pm - came back to room. Couldn't get comfortable. Tried bed (hands and knees, side-lying), and took three hard contractions on the toilet.  You prefer to MOVE!
9:45 pm - 6 cm, 90% effaced, 0 station YES! you can get in the tub! While waiting for it to fill you enjoyed story hour on the toilet. Stories of Mexico from Bert. "President of the tough club." "You are super woman, but not a warrior!" Feeling more comfortable on ball and resting on Bert's lap.
10:30 pm - you got in the big tub and relaxed instantly
11:15 pm - felt first urge to push.  went to bathroom.
11:30 pm - baby super low. checked in at 8 cm.
12:00 am - contractions just got a lot more intense! Bert read scripture to help you stay focused.
12:27 am - water broke "What the heck was that?"
12:30 am - you started pushing at the peak of each contraction
12:40 am - you really started pushing! "This is crazy!"
1:00 am, 12/5/13 BABY BOY is here!
1:13 am - placenta is out! Praise Jesus!
(You never threw up. You always knew what to do. You dominated!)

Pregnancy Reflections

My pregnancy with Simon was not easy.  It will definitely be on my list of biggest life accomplishments, even though it's not like I got through it alone.  God gave me lots of grace each day and I had the support of amazing family and friends through all the months of difficulty.  The nausea and heartburn persisted till the bitter end.  I remember laying in bed every night telling myself that someday I will feel healthy again (and be able to eat food for taste rather than function).  My hip pain increased a lot in the last months so I had to be very careful about how I moved my body or my legs would slip out of place and wouldn't move without sharp pain.  And the tension in my back was very difficult to relieve since I couldn't lay straight on my back, which is how I prefer to sleep normally.  Everyday began and ended with such intense feelings of heaviness and weariness.  With Simon's pregnancy, even more than with Gwen, there was constant strong pressure UP into my ribs and diaphragm (the muscle that helps you breathe).  I would often have difficulty breathing normally while laying down, and had to fight anxiety from that.  For the last months it often felt like my ribs were bruised on the inside from his strong kicking and pushing.

After experiencing frequent contractions starting around 25 weeks, I hoped that when we got past 36 weeks the baby would come quickly.  We got to the safe zone for labor at the beginning of November and it felt like the baby might come any day.  There are lots of lucky women out there who have babies a few weeks before their due date right?  Alas, the whole month was spent waiting through one day at a time--as all months do.  There were no signs of labor all month. We made the most of the month doing many special things and enjoying the fleeting days of Gwen as our only child.  Some favorite memories from that month are: going to BSF (and getting lots of belly comments), getting my first real massage, buying a van, going to Panera with Mom and Grandma Lee, having a special "blessingway" celebration and prayer time, Thanksgiving at Olson's, never being cold when everyone else in MN was, breakfast at Maria's, Thanksgiving #2 at Beth's house, going to the zoo, getting a Christmas tree, decorating Beth's tree, going to Beth's kindergartner's Christmas concert, and being the biggest belly at every yoga class.

I want to reflect a bit on what life lessons I can pull away from this hard season of pregnancy.  I think one of the things that will stick with me is the long-term feeling of physical weakness and what that did to me spiritually. Some might say 9 months is not very long, but it was the longest I've experienced so far (this I say with thankfulness).  I was helped when we were studying Matthew 5 in BSF... "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."  I felt poor in spirit, in that I always felt my own weakness physically and my spiritual weakness in fighting for joy in the midst of pain.  Jesus calls that feeling blessed! There is a promise of receiving the kingdom of heaven (a place free from pain) and the transfer of hope to what is coming rather than what is now.  There is so much in Matthew about Jesus's care and compassion for people who are physically hurting.  These interactions were jumping off the page in new ways as I struggled with pain too.  Pain is still pain, and it's sweet to see how much Jesus cared for the people who were hurting in various ways.  He looked at them, and touched them, and called them "Daughter."  I hope I remember these things when I look back on my long months of discomfort.

My other takeaway from this pregnancy (and the past two years) has been that thankfulness is survival.  Even when things seem their worst.  Hey! I have a comfortable bed. I have food. I have family. I have mercy from God, even though I rebelled against him. So, so many things. But also, and especially, specific things - and this is where it gets really helpful. Gwen's hair color in the sunlight. The sound of ice inside a glass of water. Warm cement on bare feet at the end of the day. Garlic in olive oil on a hot skillet. So many gifts.  Receiving each and saying thank you to a creative and kind God is so life-giving. "Generous King - you give!"

Even though it was hard, obviously God was doing something amazing.  A new person is here!  Pregnancy hurts and costs a lot physically, but it's completely over now and I have a son.  Though these words sound obvious and cliche to me, they also feel deep and true because I've lived them.  I just want to remember that in many ways this season has been a battle and there are many ways God has given me the grace I needed to survive and to have joy in it.  He has been faithful to his promises!  And through it he's blessed me in unimaginable ways as well.  There has been so much purpose in this pain.

Birth Story Coming Soon!

Limitations

A few more thoughts on this pregnancy keep bugging me to be blogged.  Mostly for way of actual update and cataloging what this experience has been like down the road.  I've already mentioned the nausea factor that dominated the first 20 or so weeks, but then the fires of Mordor, aka heartburn, started up.  And the hip pain when my leg continuously slipped out of place.  That was pretty much the second trimester, until yoga started, which helped hip pain tremendously.

This third trimester, so far, has been all about contractions.  At first I thought they were just Braxton Hicks, the normal type that goes away when you drink enough water and rest.  Those are just an exercising of the uterus getting ready for the marathon that is labor.  At my 27 week appointment my midwife mentioned that they're nothing to worry about unless I'm having more than 6 an hour.  And less than a week later hard contractions came rolling in every 15 minutes, and then every 10 minutes.  I tried to take a nap and they woke me up.  I was guzzling water and taking the prescribed bath and they still rolled on.  It was unnerving. My midwife recommended "coming in" which meant a late Sunday night trip to the hospital to check things out and make sure that this wasn't real labor starting.  Thankfully there was no change in my cervix from all those contractions, so preterm labor wasn't officially starting and baby was safe for now.

In the past 4 weeks I've been stuck somewhere between Braxton hicks and hard contractions that smack of preterm labor, which has been stressful.  Contractions were still coming mostly in afternoons and evenings, and often would be close together and quite intense.  The contractions problem is partly due to stress itself.  It turns out that remodeling a room for Gwen and getting her moved into it were making me a little crazy.  Labor Day weekend hit and all of a sudden it was time to stop playing summer and start preparing for baby. My brain and emotions didn't take the switch very well.  The to-do list was endless and time was short.

We've spent the last two weeks making serious adjustments after getting a firm command from my midwife to "do less" and "ask for help."  Thankfully it seems to be helping.  I had to let go of the task list mindset and just be flexible about when the room would get done.  Bert has been a superhero about absorbing more of the kitchen tasks that seem to amp up my contractions, and tasks everywhere else in the house too.  He is amazing.  My mom has been spending a day with Gwen most weeks of the month.  Gwen and I have cut back on daily outings.  And I am generally making myself sit down and rest or take a nap more than I was letting myself before.  It's been a lesson in learning, and ACCEPTING, the limitations of my body and having respect for those instead of just disregarding them.  That is hard to do when a cute little girl just wants you to "hold me up Mommy."

So where do we go from here?  I'm still having a few evenings each week of intense contractions but thankfully they stop when I sleep for the night.  My mental goal is to keep contractions at bay for the next month, and keep resting.  Drinking lots of water and taking my vitamins.  No walks just for fun in the fall air.  No moving furniture or boxes.  Limited cooking and dishes.  No standing for long periods of time.  We want this precious baby to be FULL TERM and super healthy.  However, once we make it 36-37 weeks I'm totally going for a walk!  Hopefully the sidewalks won't be icy in mid-November.

On the spiritual side of things, it's been a real challenge to humbly accept the path God's chosen for this pregnancy.  It's been hard to be sick for so long and physically out of control of my body, not to mention having my activity choices potentially impact the health of my son. God has been gracious at a few different times to convict me of my complaining heart.  My main weapon for joy in this situation is thankfulness.  I still have SO MUCH to be thankful for.  I know this, but God's been doing a work in my heart through praying for thankfulness lately.  He's graciously breaking through my self-focused attitude and helped me see the eternal value of the life I'm carrying.  He's reminding me that of course it's hard work to BRING A NEW PERSON INTO THE WORLD.  This is an important job and it's an honor to get to do it.

This week Bert and I have officially agreed about the baby's name, and I've started to be able to pray for him by name.  This has been such a sweet joy.  I accidentally started crying during yoga about how special it is to pray the Numbers 6 prayer for him by name, as it's a song I sing over Gwen daily.  Those are the moments of thankfulness that make the contractions anxiety no big deal.  My God is big and powerful, and surely he will give me the wisdom and strength I need to accept my limitations as I carry this baby.  I just need to keep asking for it.

Pregnancy Update

I've spent many, many days lately with the nagging thought of, "you should write a blog today."  And then resisting.  Well, here goes nothing!  I'm deciding to start with a pregnancy update because that's at least a concrete idea that I will appreciate looking back on someday.

Here we are at 30 weeks.  30 weeks!  This is the milestone I've dreamed of for many months.  Where I finally give myself permission to think differently about the near future. This is happening. A son. On the way. What?!

...desperately trying to remember how to write... about anything... feeling very rusty...

I guess I'll start at the beginning.

It was the first week of April when the second line appeared on the pregnancy test.  The first trimester filled with clinging to promises of God that he would carry me through whatever was coming with this baby.  I was still so raw and missing the others that my fears ranged from healing from another traumatic D&C, surviving another 3+ months of weakness and nausea, seeing another lifeless body on ultrasound, and opening my heart to another life with love and welcome.  The words that I still remember now from that season of daily fighting for faith in God's goodness are: "Fear not I am with you."  A phrase which is ALL OVER the Bible, but also anchors the truth-smackdown in the hymn "How Firm a Foundation."  There were other words of life and hope that God used to encourage me too, but those are the ones on the chalkboard over my mantle, and the ones I can't seem to forget in hindsight.

Then the nausea.  For months. Such a pleasant word for such a miserable state. There are so many thoughts here since I've spent so much time either prepping, resisting, or recovering from nasty stuff going the wrong way through my esophagus. But I will spare you those today. I will just say that I still rejoice that I haven't thrown up since 21 weeks, mid-July. Hallelujah. (Still can't quite shake the horribleness of taco salad and lemonade on their way out for the second time that summer. Motherhood is so glamorous.)  

Another highlight to mention from this pregnancy was starting prenatal yoga at 25 weeks and suddenly feeling much less back pain, rib pain, digestive pain, etc. The physical effects of yoga have been sublime.  The actual yoga is sometimes really difficult because I don't believe the philosophy they wholeheartedly preach (you have a goddess within you, let your inner light shine from your third eye center, you are inherently good etc).  But sometimes I'll catch a yoga class that is not so preachy and those are really nice classes.  Plus, a lot of people are taking that philosophy as truth, and that could be me if God hadn't yet given me the grace of the Bible and the hope of Jesus only.  I need to have compassion for the people who are taking yoga as truth, and maybe that will even mean sharing my faith to a yoga mate. God, give me the grace to do that!

Back to baby... it's a boy.  We are around 90% sure of the first name (which will be shared at birth).  There has been much, much, much deliberation on names.  I had expected to find out gender at 20 weeks, promptly choose a name, bond perfectly and beautifully with my child while still in my womb, and call the baby by name as a family from then on.  Oh, expectations!  How wrong you can be. I'm a little more settled for the bonding-at-first-sight plan these days, and embracing that I have much to learn about being a boy's mom. (AH!)  It also can't go unsaid that I am super grateful to have a boy and feel much overwhelming grace at another chance to parent a son after losing Joey and Ezra. It feels very beautifully redemptive.

I'll close for now, though there are many more thoughts.  My hope is that this blog continues to be a creative outlet for me (writing skills, what!?), a snapshot of our family, and perhaps an encouragement to others. When people see my life, I hope they see that God really is good.  He really is faithful.  His words really do have power in our lives to give us hope and a future.  And a few chapters of my story will hopefully illustrate that.  

Here are some pregnancy photos, just for the record (and the visual people):

Sick, sick, sick
and happy about SPRING!

Sick and Tired

It's not that she snuggles all the time, it's that every time she does someone grabs a camera because it's so special!

An Olive Garden craving.

On the new annual "sunset walk."

Overnight at St Paul Hotel for 6th anniversary

Hope and Heartache

April 27, 2012 - awe and joy at a new life created

June 9, 2012 - goodbyes until heaven

Dear Baby,

                We know that you are with Jesus now.  He is the One who thought of you, formed you, and spoke your name to begin your short life.  We are so glad he did, even though it hurts to say goodbye to you now.  We ache to know your name, look in your eyes, and know your heart.  But we also know that this world is full of shadows and pain, and joyfully you have been taken home before having to experience the difficulty here.  Your brief life on earth is over, but your life forever in glory is only beginning.  On the night I knew I might lose you the Holy Spirit comforted me with these words, “a life that goes straight to Jesus, is not a bad life.”  I will wait many more days before I am united with my Savior, but you will know nothing but perfect joy with Him.  You are blessed, my child.

                The shadows in our hearts should keep us from joining you with Him, but we have been given mercy, so much mercy, that we will see you there when we come home.

                Our family will always long for you and wonder about what you are like.  We have seen how creative and wonderful His works are, so we know that you also are full of personality, gifts, character, and beauty just like his other children.  Are you a tree climber? A runner?  A builder?  A singer?  In what ways has Jesus imprinted his image on you?  What are you passionate about? Are you a redhead like your sister? What color are your eyes?  What does your voice sound like?  What are your unique talents and abilities?  We are left with so many questions about you.  My heart aches that the years to come won’t bring any answers. 

                Patience.  Trust.  Peace.  Comfort.  Hope.  These are some of the balms to my soul when the questions haunt me.  My Savior knows my pain of missing you, and he is more than enough to carry me through the questions and longings.  The first time I waited as the midwife searched for your heartbeat, the Lord spoke to my heart, “Trust Me.”  I will press on to trust him through each wave of grief for you, my child.  I awoke singing this verse that same day: “But the Lord is faithful. He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3.  So I will lean on him to sustain me through heartache, because I know during the moments I fail, my faithful Father “gives more grace” (James 4:6).  He made you, for that I will always be thankful.  And I will trust Him for his glorious and mysterious purpose for your life.

We love you forever,

Mom and Dad

“Let us take our lot in life just as it comes, courageously, patiently and faithfully, never wondering at anything the Master does… he has some reason for doing so… if you have real faith in him, you will not insist on knowing the reason.” –Elizabeth Prentiss

Baby STUFF - What I've learned

OK this post is admittedly, not interesting for MOST people.  But it may be for a few, so I'm posting it anyway.  I recently wrote two long emails to a pregnant friend who wanted to know what my opinions were on baby stuff.  I'm, for the most part, copying and pasting it into a blog entry.  This is for you, if you're pregnant, planning on being pregnant someday, or REALLY bored.  Read at your own risk, and take the following into consideration:
1. These are opinions
2. They're meant to guide during the baby registry process (overwhelming!)
3. It's not well-written 
4. The focus is what I learned, valued, or wished I would've done differently with baby STUFF

Bottles
I wish I would've registered for bottles.  I felt so confident that we'd only breastfeed that I didn't register for any besides the ones that came with our pump.  Well, those medela bottles were tough because the nipples deflate and there's no way for air to get out.  Even when I was just pumping and bottle-feeding my breastmilk - it would've been better to have good bottles for that.  Now we have bought ourselves 18 total at Target.  We bought 9 of these in the smaller 6 oz size.  And now we've moved up to buying 9 more of the 9 oz size.

Multiple Dishwasher Baskets
We've upgraded to two dishwasher baskets.  They are so handy.  We tried cramming it all into one basket for too long. :)  Stuff gets cleaner when it's spread out.

Bottle-drying rack 
This is a godsend.  You wouldn't know it until you see a tiny bit of mold under the edge of your newborns bottle.  YUCK.  Towel drying was not sufficient.

Bouncy Chair

I LOVED having the bouncy seat.  Just somewhere to put baby while your hands are busy or you feel like eating or being in the bathroom etc.  I also think it's good for newborns to have some moments of not being held (not staunch on this, because they are so amazing to hold and it goes too quick).  But it seemed to help Gwen adapt into some independence in napping etc.  Plus they get to just sit and play and enjoy looking and stuff.

Boppy
In hindsight - we probably could've gone without the Boppy pillow.  It goes in the realm of "nice, but not necessary" in my mind.  And since I don't like baby stuff all over the house, most of the time it stays in Gwen's closet and isn't needed enough to get it out.

Excersaucers

Excersaucers are amazing.  We just got one from a friend who was done with it.  It's not fancy or new but she loves playing in it.  I was feeling like maybe it'd be "too much baby stuff, and we don't need one of those" but now I don't know what I'd do without it.  It's such a good spot for her to be in this pre-walking phase while I'm making dinner or checking my email.  (And I think when she is walking, I will love that it contains her!)

ERGO

ERGO or some sort of baby carrier.  We love our ergo.  So comfy for her and me.  Great for walks or walking around Minnehaha Falls (no stroller ability), stores, or times like last week when I went to help a new mom clean house and needed my hands free and Gwen to be happy.  She was in it happily for 2.5 hours and even took a little cat nap on me.  Seriously love that thing.  I don't wear it much at home, but I could.  Also, amazing in the airport.  And I just love how it feels like all the good parts of being pregnant, but then you can take it off and rest your back! :)

LONG Sleeved Onesies!  
They are handy to put under stuff and necessary right at the beginning when you want baby to be warm enough.  Everyone gave us short sleeved ones, and we had to buy these on our own (NB, 0-3, and now 9 month sizes, --the basic white gerbers are great at the beginning, but then the sizes run small.)

Doorway Jumper

Probably not a 'must have' but we really like it and use it daily.  If you have a doorway (with trim!) that you spend time around, it's a good place for baby to play and get some energy out.

Diapers

For newborns we liked Pampers, by far.  Huggies have big thigh holes and leak easier.  After newborns, the diaper brand doesn't seem to matter quite as much.  Whatever people had given us was fine.  But in general, I dislike Huggies because they leak the most.  The babies r us brand is good.  I've never tried Target.  We order big boxes online through Amazon, because they have an Amazon-Moms deal that is the cheapest way to get diapers.  Luvs is the cheapest brand and they work well, but have weird smell. :(  And whatever you do- don't use the Luvs wipes.  They are cheap for a reason.  Too wet.  Gwen had never had diaper rash before we used them, and now she does.

Butt Paste

Love it.  Better than Desitin.  Smells good. 

 Playmats

Again, I thought these were maybe unnecessary, but we were given one and Gwen loves it.  At first it was just looking.  But now it's grabbing stuff that hangs down and kicking the bars to make stuff shake.  At least for the first 7-8 months of life, this thing is golden.  Not sure how much she'll like it once she's on the move.  I like to change the toys that hang down, and I've never used that weird whale attachment.  Then again, maybe she'd like it!

Glider's aren't amazing

I feel like this is a no-brainer to everyone but me.  Get a really comfy chair for the baby room.  We got a basic wooden glider on craigslist and it just wan't comfy enough so I almost always opted to sit on the couch instead.  Now we have our old lazboy recliner in there, and it's amazing.  A wider seat allows for comfy book reading together and good tipping back area for feeding.  

STROLLER-

I thought this was one of the hardest decisions of all!  There are endless options and everyone does something different.  We picked this Phil&Teds stroller and a cheap umbrella stroller.  Reasons why Phil and Teds: 

1. We plan on having another kid within 2-3 years, and it converts easily into a double stroller (2nd seat came free when we bought it with a special deal going on).  

2. It pushes nicely - that three wheel design is great for tight turns.  

3. It has an attachment, that you have to buy separately, so you can SET THE CARSEAT in it.  That was so key during the first 3 months when they are too little for sitting in a regular stroller.

But beware, they aren't light, and take up a fair amount of trunk space.

Also, we love that cheap $30 umbrella stroller for times when we aren't specifically "going for a walk."  It's super handy in stores or visiting grandparents or whatever.  It doesn't take up room and is really light.  And if it breaks, we already feel like we've gotten $30 out of it.  FYI, Gwen started being big enough for it at about 4 months.  I wondered that while we were buying them.

So that's what we did, but you guys will figure out what you like best.  We found that USA Baby was the only place with Phil&Teds if you want to look at one.  I've also heard great things about the CityMini brand.  

Maggie's Baby Shower, 6/15/11

We celebrated Baby Combs with a baby shower at the Sheehan home.  

Joyful and Fun!

(click collage to view)

Can't wait to meet you Baby!

Waiting

This morning I woke with overwhelming discouragement.  

This book was helpful to me in reminding me of truth.  

He talks about fighting the "habits of unfaith" which was exactly what I needed to hear.  Along with the reminders that God is still FOR me and will never forsake me.  Even when I don't see why I am waiting.

"When God asks you to wait, what happens to your spiritual muscles?  While you wait, do your spiritual muscles grow bigger and stronger or do they grow flaccid and atrophied?  Waiting for the Lord isn't about God forgetting you, forsaking you, or being unfaithful to his promises.  It's actually God giving you time to consider his glory and to grow stronger in faith.  Remember, waiting isn't just about what you are hoping for at the end of the wait, but also about what you will become as you wait." (page 88)

Don't give way to habits of unfaith:
doubt
anger
discouragement
envy
inactivity

"The reality of waiting is that it's an expression of God's goodness.  He is wise and loving.  His timing is always right, and his focus isn't so much on what you will experience and enjoy, but on what you will become." (page 90)

Trusting in His loving purpose for each moment...

Being Thankful

Yesterday I felt extra grace to have thankfulness instead of grumbling.  There were lots of moments when I would rather have been grumbling about being past my due date, but God was good to remind me that I still have WAY more to be thankful for.  Here are some items on my list from yesterday:

Turning this:

Into This:

A new lunch invention: tomato, basil, cucumber and feta sandwich!

Putting butcher block oil on our cutting board - a job that has been procrastinated for months.

Being able to take a nap here when the mid-morning nausea hit.  That blanket is the softest thing known to man.  Bert made it for me while we were dating. :)

Quality Entertainment

Chocolate Peanut Butter Chips for my sweet tooth.

TIME to straighten my hair.  I feel this ending very soon.

Delicious burgers a la Bert for dinner.

A fragrant gardenia to smell, from Mom. 

Humor. And a husband who likes to laugh.

A 40 weeks and 1 day picture!

Not everyone can say they have one of those!

Not pictured:

A gorgeous walk around Lake Nokomis.

Cookie Dough Blizzard with Chocolate Ice Cream!

Finding a cool verse about the early church: Acts 9:31

I am still longing, pretty much every minute, for labor to start (and end), and to get to the part of my week where I get to be a mom.  BUT in the meantime, I am begging for more grace to have eyes to see the constant blessings surrounding me.  Including the blessing of God's presence with me, all because of Jesus and forgiveness of my sins through him. That's my lasting joy.  Make it be, Lord!

Perseverance...

G.T. and the Halo Express has been to thank for my daily encouragement lately.

I have been listening to the "green tape" on my ipod first thing every morning while eating breakfast.  It's about perseverance when things get hard.

  

I naturally wake up with impatient, ungrateful, and negative thoughts about my upcoming day.  It's true.  I am deeply selfish, and right now I am waiting on getting what I so desperately want.  God says that's exactly where he wants me.  And that it's good for me to wait.  So, each morning, I need reminders of his truth and G.T. is like truth on espresso, sung by children.

Every time I submit to God's authority over my day and HIS timing of this baby, he gives LOTS of grace for my attitude and heart.  Listening to these scripture songs has been great help in getting me to ask for God's help in the mornings, and sometimes on an hourly basis.  And they keep reminding me that God is my treasure.  He is even more my treasure than this precious baby will be, whenever those darn contractions finally start.

Photo Credit

... let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us!

Friendly Giraffe

My wonderful sister recently painted this giraffe on a wall in the baby room.  We plan on using one of the front legs as a height chart as our child grows.  

We love how it turned out!  Amazing job Beth!

Upon you I have leaned from before my birth;

you are He who took me from my mother's womb.

My praise is continually of you.

Psalm 71:6