Ezra Joseph

On Friday, October 19th I was sitting on the couch with my Patriarch's Bible study spread over my lap, reading about Leah and Rachel.  They were desiring to have babies.  I felt a new sympathy for them this time around.  I, too, desired a baby and was still heart sore from the baby that should have been in my womb if it hadn't died over the summer.

Then I read Genesis 30:22:

²² Then God remembered Rachel, and God listened to her and opened her womb. ²³ She conceived and bore a son and said, “God has taken away my reproach.” ²⁴ And she called his name Joseph, saying,“May the Lord add to me another son!”

At that moment I was praying to the Lord that he would give me another son.  Then I distinctly felt these words, as if spoken but not audibly: You are already pregnant with Ezra Joseph.  

I asked Bert if he thought that could be true.  I knew I didn't think those thoughts on my own.  I wouldn't have dared to think them.  The words just dropped in and I received them.  He recommended that we have child-like faith and believe it.  So we prayerfully did.  I refused wine at a party and started eating extra protein.  And when I got a positive pregnancy test two week later I was joyfully not-surprised.

I also agreed to finding out the gender of the baby since I already knew it was a boy.  It might as well be public.  One night Bert remarked, "so we have to name him Ezra right?"  And I answered, "Yep, doesn't seem like an option to me."  

about the name Ezra Joseph...

Ezra was (secretly) declared our boy's name when we were pregnant with Gwen.  We love it.  It means "God is my help."  In fact, when I was pregnant with Gwen, we called the baby "Gwen-Ezra" in private.  I had some hesitation about using this name.  In the past year Bert's cousin (who lives far away and we see rarely) named his son Ezra.  Also, it is a very Biblical sounding name which might not be perceived as "normal."  So it was nice to feel like the name wasn't an option since the Lord had given it to me so clearly.

Joseph is a different story.  One I feel ready to tell.  We think of the first baby we lost in June as Joey.  He was to be born just after Christmas, and his name is both to honor my Uncle Joey (born at Christmas) and Joseph from Genesis (the story of goodness being brought out of evil).  I was given another sweet experience from the Lord a few weeks after he died.  I was at the YMCA on a treadmill near windows when across the parking lot a young boy with orange-red hair looked straight at me.  I had been watching him get out of the car and do a little dance by the back of his van.  He was probably 5 years old.  When I realized he was staring at me I waved to him and smiled and then he waved back and went back to his dancing.  Then I felt the words, "That could be what your baby looks like."  I then started to think of the baby we lost as a boy and not just a baby.  Reading the book Heaven is for Real reminded me that when God makes a baby, he makes a person.  It was right for me to think of the baby as a person in heaven, and the visual I got from the boy that day deeply blessed me as I grieved for him.  A little boy who looked just like Gwen.

So in a way, Ezra Joseph was a name that honored his brother in heaven.  Now both of my boys are in heaven.  We are heartbroken for them, but thankful that they are very much alive.

I know these words will seem far-fetched to some.  But it's my story and I feel compelled to tell it.  And maybe it would sound doubtful to me too if it hadn't very much happened to me.  I didn't specifically ask for these "words from the Lord" but He is a kind, loving, and relational God.  And he cares for us primarily through his Word the Bible, but also through his ever present and comforting Holy Spirit.  And this is basically a few chapters from my story in how the Holy Spirit is active is getting me through the path he's chosen for me.  I am grateful.

All of this would have been saved until Ezra's birth announcement, but since we learned he has died, I feel it's appropriate to share it now.  Maybe to some it will seem extreme to name a life that is so young, and in a body so very fragile.  But Ezra's name was received more than chosen.  And I believe that when the Lord creates a life, however small, he creates a soul that will live forever.  He welcomes those souls into his presence in heaven.  And I am grateful that God chose to give us a name for the life I will always long for this side of heaven.  We miss you already Ezra.

Matthew 19:14: but Jesus said, 

“Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, 

for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”