Maybe writing something will be better than nothing. It's been hard to get myself in front of this screen even though I think about doing it daily. The problem is that I can't summarize grief. If someone were to ask me, "how are you doing with that?" I have to answer, "Well, lately it's been..." Because it's not consistent.
Some days I still find myself suddenly weeping in the kitchen or with the crushing weight on my chest while I'm trying to fall asleep. And I think, "How does it feel so fresh? How can I be missing my baby so much when I didn't even get to know him?" But I do know a lot of things about what he would've been like, so I grieve those things one at a time, and then sometimes over and over again.
Other days I am really OK. A lot of days don't hurt and are overwhelmed by the joy of the season of life with Gwen. She runs up to me and says, "Hi mom mom!" And I think about the hope of Baby living with Jesus right this moment in perfect joy. And how he is more alive than I am in this body stained by sin. And those are happy moments of hope.
So, my assignment in this seems to be holding grief in one hand and hope in the other. Both are important and must not be ignored.
I think I need to write this to remind myself that at 4+ months after our Baby lived and died, I am not 'over it' and it remains often in my heart and mind. I still often think of the weeks of bleeding evidence that he was gone. I still have dreams about being pregnant, and wake up sobbing to reality.
And my heart is still broken in a way that I'm learning to believe it is supposed to stay. I can't look at suffering people with the same distance I had before this experience. But I also look at Jesus differently. He is really the only one who knows the depth of hurting and the height of healing to come. I love him so much. Somehow I sing harder now, often through tears. And I'm thankful for this new version of heart even though it's heavy and often too much to bear alone.
I've listened to this sermon more than once and am thankful for how compassionate it its:
http://www.hopeingod.org/sermon/why-god-created-world
Also, this is the song that Gwen and I turn up loud these days:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1klpScWvkRA
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