Here we are at 30 weeks. 30 weeks! This is the milestone I've dreamed of for many months. Where I finally give myself permission to think differently about the near future. This is happening. A son. On the way. What?!
...desperately trying to remember how to write... about anything... feeling very rusty...
I guess I'll start at the beginning.
It was the first week of April when the second line appeared on the pregnancy test. The first trimester filled with clinging to promises of God that he would carry me through whatever was coming with this baby. I was still so raw and missing the others that my fears ranged from healing from another traumatic D&C, surviving another 3+ months of weakness and nausea, seeing another lifeless body on ultrasound, and opening my heart to another life with love and welcome. The words that I still remember now from that season of daily fighting for faith in God's goodness are: "Fear not I am with you." A phrase which is ALL OVER the Bible, but also anchors the truth-smackdown in the hymn "How Firm a Foundation." There were other words of life and hope that God used to encourage me too, but those are the ones on the chalkboard over my mantle, and the ones I can't seem to forget in hindsight.
Then the nausea. For months. Such a pleasant word for such a miserable state. There are so many thoughts here since I've spent so much time either prepping, resisting, or recovering from nasty stuff going the wrong way through my esophagus. But I will spare you those today. I will just say that I still rejoice that I haven't thrown up since 21 weeks, mid-July. Hallelujah. (Still can't quite shake the horribleness of taco salad and lemonade on their way out for the second time that summer. Motherhood is so glamorous.)
Another highlight to mention from this pregnancy was starting prenatal yoga at 25 weeks and suddenly feeling much less back pain, rib pain, digestive pain, etc. The physical effects of yoga have been sublime. The actual yoga is sometimes really difficult because I don't believe the philosophy they wholeheartedly preach (you have a goddess within you, let your inner light shine from your third eye center, you are inherently good etc). But sometimes I'll catch a yoga class that is not so preachy and those are really nice classes. Plus, a lot of people are taking that philosophy as truth, and that could be me if God hadn't yet given me the grace of the Bible and the hope of Jesus only. I need to have compassion for the people who are taking yoga as truth, and maybe that will even mean sharing my faith to a yoga mate. God, give me the grace to do that!
Back to baby... it's a boy. We are around 90% sure of the first name (which will be shared at birth). There has been much, much, much deliberation on names. I had expected to find out gender at 20 weeks, promptly choose a name, bond perfectly and beautifully with my child while still in my womb, and call the baby by name as a family from then on. Oh, expectations! How wrong you can be. I'm a little more settled for the bonding-at-first-sight plan these days, and embracing that I have much to learn about being a boy's mom. (AH!) It also can't go unsaid that I am super grateful to have a boy and feel much overwhelming grace at another chance to parent a son after losing Joey and Ezra. It feels very beautifully redemptive.
I'll close for now, though there are many more thoughts. My hope is that this blog continues to be a creative outlet for me (writing skills, what!?), a snapshot of our family, and perhaps an encouragement to others. When people see my life, I hope they see that God really is good. He really is faithful. His words really do have power in our lives to give us hope and a future. And a few chapters of my story will hopefully illustrate that.
Here are some pregnancy photos, just for the record (and the visual people):
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| Sick, sick, sick and happy about SPRING! |
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| Sick and Tired |
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| It's not that she snuggles all the time, it's that every time she does someone grabs a camera because it's so special! |
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| An Olive Garden craving. |
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| On the new annual "sunset walk." |
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| Overnight at St Paul Hotel for 6th anniversary |
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