My pregnancy with Simon was not easy. It will definitely be on my list of biggest life accomplishments, even though it's not like I got through it alone. God gave me lots of grace each day and I had the support of amazing family and friends through all the months of difficulty. The nausea and heartburn persisted till the bitter end. I remember laying in bed every night telling myself that someday I will feel healthy again (and be able to eat food for taste rather than function). My hip pain increased a lot in the last months so I had to be very careful about how I moved my body or my legs would slip out of place and wouldn't move without sharp pain. And the tension in my back was very difficult to relieve since I couldn't lay straight on my back, which is how I prefer to sleep normally. Everyday began and ended with such intense feelings of heaviness and weariness. With Simon's pregnancy, even more than with Gwen, there was constant strong pressure UP into my ribs and diaphragm (the muscle that helps you breathe). I would often have difficulty breathing normally while laying down, and had to fight anxiety from that. For the last months it often felt like my ribs were bruised on the inside from his strong kicking and pushing.
After experiencing frequent contractions starting around 25 weeks, I hoped that when we got past 36 weeks the baby would come quickly. We got to the safe zone for labor at the beginning of November and it felt like the baby might come any day. There are lots of lucky women out there who have babies a few weeks before their due date right? Alas, the whole month was spent waiting through one day at a time--as all months do. There were no signs of labor all month. We made the most of the month doing many special things and enjoying the fleeting days of Gwen as our only child. Some favorite memories from that month are: going to BSF (and getting lots of belly comments), getting my first real massage, buying a van, going to Panera with Mom and Grandma Lee, having a special "blessingway" celebration and prayer time, Thanksgiving at Olson's, never being cold when everyone else in MN was, breakfast at Maria's, Thanksgiving #2 at Beth's house, going to the zoo, getting a Christmas tree, decorating Beth's tree, going to Beth's kindergartner's Christmas concert, and being the biggest belly at every yoga class.
I want to reflect a bit on what life lessons I can pull away from this hard season of pregnancy. I think one of the things that will stick with me is the long-term feeling of physical weakness and what that did to me spiritually. Some might say 9 months is not very long, but it was the longest I've experienced so far (this I say with thankfulness). I was helped when we were studying Matthew 5 in BSF... "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." I felt poor in spirit, in that I always felt my own weakness physically and my spiritual weakness in fighting for joy in the midst of pain. Jesus calls that feeling blessed! There is a promise of receiving the kingdom of heaven (a place free from pain) and the transfer of hope to what is coming rather than what is now. There is so much in Matthew about Jesus's care and compassion for people who are physically hurting. These interactions were jumping off the page in new ways as I struggled with pain too. Pain is still pain, and it's sweet to see how much Jesus cared for the people who were hurting in various ways. He looked at them, and touched them, and called them "Daughter." I hope I remember these things when I look back on my long months of discomfort.
My other takeaway from this pregnancy (and the past two years) has been that thankfulness is survival. Even when things seem their worst. Hey! I have a comfortable bed. I have food. I have family. I have mercy from God, even though I rebelled against him. So, so many things. But also, and especially, specific things - and this is where it gets really helpful. Gwen's hair color in the sunlight. The sound of ice inside a glass of water. Warm cement on bare feet at the end of the day. Garlic in olive oil on a hot skillet. So many gifts. Receiving each and saying thank you to a creative and kind God is so life-giving. "Generous King - you give!"
Even though it was hard, obviously God was doing something amazing. A new person is here! Pregnancy hurts and costs a lot physically, but it's completely over now and I have a son. Though these words sound obvious and cliche to me, they also feel deep and true because I've lived them. I just want to remember that in many ways this season has been a battle and there are many ways God has given me the grace I needed to survive and to have joy in it. He has been faithful to his promises! And through it he's blessed me in unimaginable ways as well. There has been so much purpose in this pain.
Birth Story Coming Soon!
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