Silver Lining to a Sad Week

During the week when the bleeding started and we expected our Baby would not survive, it was good to have distraction.  I was never without loving family and friends being willing to come by, help with Gwen and meals, and talk/cry (Thank you all SO much!).  I was amazed to find out that the process of a miscarriage is not a simple one and that the physical symptoms stretch out over weeks, not days.  The first few days of the process were definitely the hardest for me, as I knew my baby was still inside and wondered if he/she was in pain or already gone to heaven.  My week felt like a mess of appointments, phone calls with midwives and nurses, and swirl of physical pain.  The emotional pain didn't really set in until Friday morning when my blood tests were able to confirm that what I was experiencing was in fact a miscarriage.  Until then, there were all sorts of tricks I would play in my mind about how everything was going to be ok.  The week, though full of pain, was also full of beauty.  I was surrounded by reminders of how full my life is and how many mercies I get to hold on to.  It still stings to let go of knowing and carrying this Baby, but I am thankful to be able to hug Gwen, my baby who I see daily.  What a blessing.  With a whole new depth.

Love this picture

 The girls of the Wilson, Johnson, and Schiltgen families gathered while the guys were on the annual fishing trip.  We ate delicious food and took in the glorious June weather.  Gwen played hard. :)  

(All these pictures are taken by my mom.)

Maybe this is how she skinned the tops of her toes?

Another hero of mine

Gwen's in charge of the hose and loving that

Every few hours she would crash and need refreshments and cuddles

Free standing for a few seconds!

Talking to husb - I missed him lots.  He came home early for me.  I love him.

Not taking this for granted.

Memorial Day Weekend

I am still "catching up" on some blog business.  Here are tons of photos to help some Memorial Weekend memories stick.  We spent a couple rainy days at the cabin doing projects and resting.  Looking back it was a precious time of carrying Baby #2, and I was surely tired from the job.  We drove home early Sunday morning and were able to have a couple days at home as a family too.  We spent a fun afternoon at Lake Harriet, enjoying a picnic and walk with Gwenster.  Bliss.  I love living in Minnesota this time of year!

Daddy teaching Gwen the ropes

Enjoying the dock on a rare sunny moment

Gwen devours pancake

She played with these cabinets (sans baby locks) for many minutes

What we do when it rains...

Twinkle Toes

It took a really long time for this chair-pushing to get boring

We discovered how fun I Spy books are!  (That's Beth and roommate Becky)

At Lake Harriet.  Wait a minute, is Gwen SMILING for the camera?!

Something else she can push around for endless hours

Uncharted territory

Beauty

Our first-fruits!

The beginnings of a dear friend of mine.  Meet our Pergola.  Oh, never heard that word before?  Us either.

Gwen's face of discovery.  While rocking a biker bandana.  Hmm.

I wish she hung on like this all the time!

Last Kinder Visit

Towards the end of May, Gwen and I went back to play with the kindergartners again.

This time she bravely sat in their midst and her squeals of glee were a pretty good indicator of how much fun she was having with the big kids.  They sang her songs, as usual, and remembered all of her tricks to get her to interact (clapping, sticking tongue out, peekaboo, dancing, mooing).  Unfortunately Gwen wasn't on the roaring kick anymore so she didn't respond to those.

Two of my Heroes

For most of my life I couldn't tell you who my heroes were.  Now that I've reached the venerable age of 26 (that's how old I am, right Bert?)  I have a pretty good list going.

Two recent additions, timed by sweet sovereignty, are Elizabeth Prentiss and Anna Stoehr.  Their words and character have come back to me so many times lately.  I am so inspired by their lives.  Both of them have the mysterious Proverbs 31:25 going on.  (She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.)  Here are some of their precious words to me while my heart aches:

Life has sadness and life has joy. 

Sometimes its very hard, but God knows what He's doing.  

I may not always understand, but He does.

Anna Stoehr, age 111

(Read about Anna in Star Tribune here.)

I used to think I could never endure to lose a child, but you see how it is.

God does carry us through whatever he pleases.

Elizabeth Prentiss, p. 73

Could I refuse Him my child because she was the very apple of my eye?  

No indeed, then, but let me give to Him, not what I value least, but what I prize and delight in most. 

Could I not endure heart-sickness for Him who had given His only Son for me!

p.88

I love, dearly, to have a Master.

p.158

He can give us strength for the endurance of His most terrible chastisements when their hour comes.

p.61

Let us take our lot in life just as it comes, courageously, patiently and faithfully, never wondering at anything the Master does. ... He has some reason for doing so ...if you have real faith in Him, you will not insist on knowing this reason."

p.211

Pictures from May

Joy!

regular life

A very sweet surprise on Mother's Day morning!

If only that headband could've lasted the day :)

He draws near

Writing is good therapy.  I plan on doing some of it here.  There's a lot of thoughts swirling and realities that need help sinking in.  I feel the need to blog about my heart during this time because: 1. it helps me heal now 2. it is helpful later when I need to remember this season and how I survived, especially if it ever happens again 3. I personally have been EXTREMELY helped by reading other women process their loss and hear how they testify to God's goodness in the midst of it (mainly here).  If one of you dear readers is ever called to walk through the loss of a tiny baby and could be helped by my experience, then it's worth sharing and being vulnerable about.

But first, I want to remember this stuff.  This is the stuff that the Holy Spirit has been speaking to my heart.  Sometimes when I read the Bible I just see words on a page.  And SOMETIMES he breathes them to life, gives me faith to believe them, and impresses such a nearness of his sweet presence that the words literally give me life.  These are some of those life-giving words from the past week.  They are precious gifts. I want to remember the ways he has given me a special helping of nearness in my raw pain moments.  I love Him so much.

Once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

1 Peter 2:10; I have been given mercy!  It is true.  

I will not be judged according to my sins.  

It was expensive to give and is precious to receive.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 

the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 

who comforts us in all our affliction... 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, 

your rod and your staff comfort me. 

Psalm 23

I am with you always 

Jesus, Matthew 28:20

Be near O God... your nearness is to us our good.

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And let steadfastness have its full effect, 

that you may be perfect and complete, 

lacking in nothing. 

James 1:4

If your presence goes I don't want to stay; 

if your presence stays I don't want to go... 

I need you. 

lyrics

This is not the end

this is not the end of this

we will open our eyes wide, wider

... And you know you'll be alright 

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Hope and Heartache

April 27, 2012 - awe and joy at a new life created

June 9, 2012 - goodbyes until heaven

Dear Baby,

                We know that you are with Jesus now.  He is the One who thought of you, formed you, and spoke your name to begin your short life.  We are so glad he did, even though it hurts to say goodbye to you now.  We ache to know your name, look in your eyes, and know your heart.  But we also know that this world is full of shadows and pain, and joyfully you have been taken home before having to experience the difficulty here.  Your brief life on earth is over, but your life forever in glory is only beginning.  On the night I knew I might lose you the Holy Spirit comforted me with these words, “a life that goes straight to Jesus, is not a bad life.”  I will wait many more days before I am united with my Savior, but you will know nothing but perfect joy with Him.  You are blessed, my child.

                The shadows in our hearts should keep us from joining you with Him, but we have been given mercy, so much mercy, that we will see you there when we come home.

                Our family will always long for you and wonder about what you are like.  We have seen how creative and wonderful His works are, so we know that you also are full of personality, gifts, character, and beauty just like his other children.  Are you a tree climber? A runner?  A builder?  A singer?  In what ways has Jesus imprinted his image on you?  What are you passionate about? Are you a redhead like your sister? What color are your eyes?  What does your voice sound like?  What are your unique talents and abilities?  We are left with so many questions about you.  My heart aches that the years to come won’t bring any answers. 

                Patience.  Trust.  Peace.  Comfort.  Hope.  These are some of the balms to my soul when the questions haunt me.  My Savior knows my pain of missing you, and he is more than enough to carry me through the questions and longings.  The first time I waited as the midwife searched for your heartbeat, the Lord spoke to my heart, “Trust Me.”  I will press on to trust him through each wave of grief for you, my child.  I awoke singing this verse that same day: “But the Lord is faithful. He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3.  So I will lean on him to sustain me through heartache, because I know during the moments I fail, my faithful Father “gives more grace” (James 4:6).  He made you, for that I will always be thankful.  And I will trust Him for his glorious and mysterious purpose for your life.

We love you forever,

Mom and Dad

“Let us take our lot in life just as it comes, courageously, patiently and faithfully, never wondering at anything the Master does… he has some reason for doing so… if you have real faith in him, you will not insist on knowing the reason.” –Elizabeth Prentiss